Happy News!

The latest news highlight #1:

It's a BOY! 

We are delighted! We weren't sure how we would feel, either way, about the gender revelation. However, it just feels right to be expecting another boy and we are excited. We think we have his name already, but for now it is a secret. The doctor got a pretty clear shot of his boy parts, this time I could actually see the "third leg" before he even pointed it out. 

30 & Pregnant

Baby Peterson #2 @ 12 Weeks

Well, there was a time when I thought that title would make total sense. I always thought 30 was a good year to start the baby train. Instead my baby train ended up starting when I was 28 (almost 29). So it is a bit strange to be here a year later... and be pregnant again. When I was pregnant with Drake, I was looking forward to my 30th Birthday Milestone. Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family, especially milestone birthdays. I had BIG expectations. Drake would be old enough that maybe we could take a trip back to Chicago and leave him with his Grandparents. They of course, would love this, and then we could enjoy a wild weekend in the big city with our good friends. (Ok, we are not so wild anymore, but it is the thought that counts!). BIG Fun with lots of friends is sort of what I had pictured for 30, either that or an all inclusive trip to Costa Rica! ;) So when it came time to actually plan for my 30th, my gut feelings were sadness. Things are just not what I thought they would be. I wish they were different. This year, I just haven't been able to justify making a big deal out of my Birthday. It just hasn't felt right. Maybe that rip roaring party will come at 31!

AT the same time... I am SO grateful I am pregnant again. It made turning 30 much more bearable, to be pregnant, than to not be. I'm 15 weeks and 4 days. We are very lucky that it did not take long for me to get pregnant once we were given the green light to try again. In fact, I think even our doctor was a little surprised how quickly it happened. Despite the close timing,about 5-6 months after my last pregnancy, I have been assured this alone will not pose any major risks. Since I had a C-Section, I will just have to be careful and be watched closely, we don't want anything bursting before it is supposed to. Actually, no bursting at all, No thank you. If all goes as planned, this baby will have a scheduled C-Section mid to late February.

Unfortunately, this pregnancy comes with risk we can't deny. It is very minimal, not one doctor expects us to lose another baby. I have also been told that my pre- eclampsia was likely related to Drake's condition, so that is not expected to come back again.... but you never know! I'm not going to lie, I'm very scared. Very anxious. Trying to just give that anxiety to God and take it day by day as I know it doesn't do any good to worry.

So as you can see, finding out I was pregnant again has become quite a balancing act. Literally within the day, I fluctuate between moments of grief and moments of joy. I am still so heart broken over the loss of Drake, as I always will be. The first time I saw this current baby via ultrasound, my reaction was very guarded. I was surprised I didn't feel the same overwhelming joy I felt the first time I saw Drake on an ultrasound. I know I am already in love with this little one, but I can't help but guard my heart as I am so afraid to lose another child. Also, announcing I am pregnant has been hard- I don't want Drake to ever be forgotten. It is much easier for people to focus on the positive news and talk about that, then to remember the loss. On the positive side, this pregnancy has made the burden of the grief a little easier to bear. I am not drowning in grief, living in a state of remembering my life HAS not changed the way I had hoped it would. Instead,we are back on the road to being parents and having a little nugget to love in our arms. There is a new life to focus positive thoughts on and this gives me joy.

ALSO-- our little get away to Palm Springs with some good friends gave me joy and a chance to celebrate the big 3-0! Other happy markers of the 30th Bday: mani/pedi time, special gifts (including a sewing machine!), prenatal massage, Chicago style Pizza and a beautiful lunch by the beach with friends.

Doctors are like Chefs and Lightning Rarely Strikes Twice

One of the more difficult aspects of dealing with Drake's death has been the unknown. His experience of having heart failure in utero was so rare- none of MANY doctors we met with had seen anything like it before, nor could they explain why it happened. The fatality of his diagnosis was one thing they all agreed on, it was clear our baby would not live long without a miracle. Three short days we had him. After he passed away there were more blood draws, genetics tests ordered, and a full autopsy. Still, we were left with no clear answer as to why this happened.

 That has been hard for me to sit with. Medicine can tell us SO much these days. How is it that our babe's story remained a complete mystery? Most reports and doctors explained things as just a "fluke". Therefore leaving me to worry.... well, if it was just a fluke, who says a fluke can't happen again? I know this is cynical, but it is where my mind has gone. As a grieving mother, who was hit totally out of left field with an unexplainable condition that caused my Son's death- I have been left to wonder. One thing I learned for sure, we have no control, and God's plans do not always make sense to us. That has been where my heart has been stuck, bracing myself to face a potential future of losing other children- because you just never know.

 I have also been left to struggle with the tempting thoughts that I must've done something myself to cause this. I was always extremely honest with doctors about anything I had ingested or any activity I took part in during pregnancy and they assured me I had done nothing wrong. I innately know I took good care of myself during my pregnancy, but when something goes wrong, I think it is a natural response for an expectant mother to begin questioning themselves. Did I accidentally eat some unpasteurized cheese? What about the fact that we found out a little late and I had been on some medications that were not proven to be totally safe during pregnancy? Or is it because I took (doctor approved) sleeping meds to help with my pregnancy insomnia? Was that Herbal Supplement I took for pregnancy really safe? That glass of wine on Thanksgiving? (Shock, yes me the social worker drank a glass of wine while pregnant.... the doctor told me an occasional glass was harmless,I realize this is a highly controversial subject and worthy of it's own blog post, but we'll leave it at that for now). So then comes my overanalyzing of what other people must think of me. As in "They must think I did something CRAZY during my pregnancy" or "They must be judging me for having an occasional 1/2 caf. latte while I was pregnant" or "What did they mean by that question?" etc. etc. Not a fun place to be in. Even as I write this I second guess sharing so honestly, but I guess candidness is what I've strived to be all about- so there you have it! I also know for a fact a good many of my trusted friends would tell me I'm silly for even worrying about this, but I can get carried away with my conscientiousness :)

Recently, I have finally found some relief from this struggle. Thanks to a doctor, we'll call him Dr. S, who FINALLY explained things in a different light. Initially when we received the results from Drake's genetic testing, it was explained to us that they found one tiny tiny small thing, "a slight duplication on the long arm of chromosome 5 of uncertain clinical significance". The geneticists told us that there was no reason to think this was the cause of his heart failure and was likely not linked to anything, nor something we were genetically carrying. Which was good news, but still not an answer.

At a recent appointment with Dr. S, our Perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) we reviewed these results again. His take was that if the ONLY thing anyone could find was this small genetic mutation, then it was likely that was the cause. Dr. S explained that the geneticists would not explain it that way, because there probably is no research to base it on, and no other documented cases such as Drakes. However, if you look at it logically, by process of elimination- there is no other reason, so the genetic mutation probably is linked to the heart failure. As he said, "Doctors are like chefs.... it's like we all know how to make meat loaf, but we all have a slightly different opinion of what goes into the meatloaf and how to prepare it in the best fashion. We all went to culinary school, but each school trains you to think a slightly different way. Not better or worse, just different." My first reaction on hearing this was panic. My immediate next question was, "So does that mean if it was genetic, that it could likely happen again? The geneticists said it would be very rare for it to happen again, is that true?" Dr. S's answer calmly reassured me, "No, this kind of thing is totally random. It's like one tiny little thread just snapped for some random reason early on in development. Sometimes it just happens, but it's rare and the outcomes are all different." He went onto explain, "The odds are like being struck by lightning.... and we all know lightning doesn't strike twice."

 So there you have it. Whether or not all this makes sense to you, it made sense to me! It reassured me that there was some kind of physiological cause and it wasn't some completely mysterious thing..... or some kind of spoiled lunch meat I consumed while pregnant :)

Chicago Fun Summer 2012

I've been back to Chicagoland twice in the past month. It's been a whirlwind! To be honest, it was super emotional and hard to go back "home" after everything that has happened. It was another first to check off, where we wished we were traveling with our son to introduce him to this special part of our lives, instead of without him. However, all in all, it was a great trip and so good to see so many people. Lots to celebrate!

Beautiful Bride & "The 6 Pack"

In May, we were back to visit family, and also to attend Kristel & John's wedding. Kristel is a dear friend of mine, whom I have known since 5th Grade. I'm so lucky to have so many close friends who have been a part of my life since childhood, and it was great to see SO many of them at this wedding! It was not only a beautiful wedding, but also quite a reunion and so much fun! Made miss being closer to this community of friends!

Lots of dancing, talking, and laughing. Snapshots:

Jon & I also ate a lot. We made sure to get in our fix of Chicago food and probably came home 5lbs heavier after 5 days. Deep Dish Pizza (2x), Hot Dogs, Greek Food, Dunkin Donuts... mmm.  Seeing our families was also wonderful too, of course!  :)

This past weekend I traveled solo for a quick weekend trip to celebrate my friend Britta's Bachelorette party (she is the cute blonde in the blue).  Another incredible group of "my girls" who I couldn't live without! The North Park crew, my college friends, otherwise known as "DBG".  Almost all of us were there, but we missed those of you who could not make it! It was such a good trip for me, a chance just to focus on girl time and be out and have fun! Despite getting caught in a torrential down pour we made our way around town and kept our dancing shoes on! I was also way overdue for some city time! So GOOD to breath in the big city- miss that. (Minus the traffic and complicated parking)

Being in the Pit

I’ve been in a dark place lately. Call it depression, call it grief, I’m calling it both (I will spare you from the actual DSM-IV Diagnosis that it is). I’ve been exhausted, all the time. There are days when I literally feel like a living machine. Going through the motions and forcing myself to complete the tasks that must get done to make it through the day. Doing so while feeling like a dark heavy cloud is constantly looming over me, ready to catch me in the midst of a terrential down pour at any moment. Forgive me for the cheesy metaphor, but it is a real reflection of where I am. I’m in a cold, stormy, cloudy place.

There are moments when the clouds move away and I can see sunlight. My husband makes me laugh, I can enjoy time with friends, I can take pride in accomplishments, and I can feel happy for someone else’s good news. Unfortunately, for me right now, these are just moments. Mostly though, there is darkness. I’m struggling with how to make it through this phase and maintain life and health in order to keep moving.

I find myself yearning for a day without these deep feelings of sadness and bewilderment being my companion. Having a “type A” personality with natural inclinations to accomplish things makes this a daunting phase for me. I am not good at patiently waiting for things to run their course. I am driven person, when I desire something; I am motivated to do whatever I need to do to come out with success. Therefore, I’ve been trying to do all the things I know that will clinically help me move through grief and fend depression. I started counseling right away after we lost our son, I’ve tried to take as much time off from work as we can afford, I’ve been open with others about my struggles, I have allowed myself time to cry and tried to expeirience emotions as they arise, I have attempted to pay extra attention to my physical health and well being, I’m trusting the Lord and trying to make my faith top priority. Guess what? It is not working… I still feel awful!

I am beginning to understand that it is an unreal expectation for me to “feel better” right now. That is hard as we live in a society that moves quickly and does not relish sadness. We are a pleasure seeking society. Most people do not want to dwell with me in my grief, and why would they? * I want it to be over too! However, to find myself without sadness over my loss would be to deny it. I don’t feel like I have ever denied this loss, I am just getting literally exhausted of facing it every day. But instead of being frustrated that I am still in a place of sadness, I am learning to embrace it. I am trying my best to learn from my loss, to allow it to deepen my soul and make me a more compassionate person. It takes a lot of work to enter into your psyche and soul and go through this process. There are days where I feel defeated by the task, having no energy to invest in anything. Those are the hardest days and they always come without much warning. I know it is ok to have those days, I just wish I didn’t. I wish I felt better. As others have reminded me, unfortunately, there is no way to fast forward through grief. Instead you just make it through, one foot in front of the other, day by day.

Part of my processing involves reading and journaling. Through this, I have come to realize that there is no recovery from grief. The book, A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser has been an enirching and relatable read. Sittser writes;

 “Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaveles the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything it may keep going deeper.” 

And so, I am not the same, nor will I ever be. I will walk the rest of the days of my life carrying the loss and sorrow of the very early and mysterious death of my firstborn son. Learning how to cope with loss and going through grieving is dark and painful. The burden does get lighther, but it will never go away, and that is ok.


 * Disclaimer, I do have some amazing friends who have consciously been walking with me and embracing sadness. I am so thankful for you :)

Back to Work

Happy Friday! Fridays can't come soon enough these days. I have now been back at work for a full month. I was ready to go back, it was time to be getting up and getting back out, I was starting to get antsy. However,I am not going to lie, it has been totally exhausting and emotionally taxing. Hence the lack of posting. I'm hanging in there, but pretty much out of steam at the end of each day. Part of it is just getting back into the swing of things, and remembering my job is a little intense and slightly stressful (probably an understatement). The other part is that I am seeing everything through a new lens.... a much more emotional lens. I see a lot of sad situations, but I've always been able to cope with healthy boundaries and separate myself from the situation. Now that I am going through grieving the loss of my own child, it is hard to be as objective. (Lots of countertransference for all of you other clinical folks who will understand what that means).

Just a refresher for those of you may not know, I work as a counselor/social worker to support vulnerable infants and toddlers and their foster parents. The kids I work with have been taken away, involuntarily, from their biological family due to some kind of problem within the family that is putting the child at risk.

 So here are a few of my latest internal rants and raves, from a personal level, not wearing my social worker hat right now:

 * I am viewing child abuse and neglect in a whole new light. Don't people know how LUCKY they are to HAVE their kids..... you can't treat them like crap when God has blessed you with the opportunity to be their parent. I have less empathy for the unfortunate cycle of abuse that many people face.... and now probably too much empathy for children in need. In my job, in order to make it, you have to be able to balance out all these feelings. Not doing so well at that these days. 


 *Also, if someone takes your kid away from you- and getting them back is an option.. why wouldn't you fight like the dickens to get them back!I would have done ANYTHING to be able to keep my baby! 


 *I am finding life UNFAIR. For example, how is it that a baby can be born several weeks early to a Mother who has had no prenatal care,be born addicted to methamphetamine,and end up being totally fine! Our baby had state of the art care at one of the best hospitals in the country.... and I am not a crack addict.... and he was NOT fine. 


 *It is not fun to be carrying a newborn infants around for part of my job. It is especially worse when someone says, "Congratulations." All well intentioned, but unfortunately no congratulations for me.

 So, I think it is safe to say I am maybe moving on to the angry phase of grief. That is my latest update. TGIF

Drake's Journey- Video

A couple of weeks ago, our Church, Ocean Hills Covenant Church, asked us if we were willing to be interviewed about Drake's story. As the pastors were planning for the message on Easter Sunday they decided the theme for this year's Easter service would be, "When it looks like death has won." They felt that our journey with Drake was an example of what it is like to walk with God, "When it looks like death has won." After prayerful consideration, we said yes. We were honored that they would even consider our story worthy of being featured on Easter Sunday. This would mean that hundreds of people would be hearing about our little boy's life... Wow.


Jon and I were both anxious about the filming process. We didn't know how we would react emotionally. I still cry at church EVERY Sunday, so I sort of expected to have a melt down. Our Pastors were very reassuring and respectful- if this was too hard, we could stop filming, take a break, or just say no. SOMEHOW, we pulled this off! Again, we are blown away by how God shows up to be with us and speak through us, so this story can be heard. Also, as we are continuing to grieve, we are getting to the point where we can hold it together a bit more emotionally, especially if we are prepared.


That doesn't mean it isn't still painful. Let me share with you the text from the sermon before they played this video at Church. Quoting Pastor Jon Ireland;


"The good news of Easter is that Jesus Christ, who overcame death, can overcome anything. What does anything mean? It means anything! He can overcome anything that you are facing. He wants to live in you and through you. He wants to change the way you think, he wants to change the perspective about your suffering- about the way you are facing pain and heart ache.And he can make all the difference in your life. when it seems like death has won.


We have a story that we are going to share with you and let you watch on video. It's Jon and Stacy's story. They are a young couple in our Church. You're going to see the difference that the risen Christ has made it their lives. It's not there is not pain. In their story there is a lot of pain, there is a lot of heart ache. But Christ is making all the difference in the midst of their darkness."


So , the point of this video is not to show a "Happy Ending". On Sunday, Pastor Laurie put it well when she explained, "God didn't rescue Jon and Stacy from their grief, but he did show up to walk along side them." That was a good reminder for us, as we sat their and watched our own story.....


Please feel free to pass on this short video documenting Drake's Journey. God used Drake to impact our faith in a profound way. We are happy to share it with anyone else who might need to see some light in the midst of struggle and heart ache. You can share it through this blog- or directly through You Tube @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NTqwx_Ss8Y&list=UUte1PO__BpP4NUWUutpRnRQ&index=4&feature=plcp

(Also, props to the amazing W.Ashley Maddox who created this film!)