Happy Friday! Fridays can't come soon enough these days. I have now been back at work for a full month. I was ready to go back, it was time to be getting up and getting back out, I was starting to get antsy. However,I am not going to lie, it has been totally exhausting and emotionally taxing. Hence the lack of posting. I'm hanging in there, but pretty much out of steam at the end of each day. Part of it is just getting back into the swing of things, and remembering my job is a little intense and slightly stressful (probably an understatement). The other part is that I am seeing everything through a new lens.... a much more emotional lens. I see a lot of sad situations, but I've always been able to cope with healthy boundaries and separate myself from the situation. Now that I am going through grieving the loss of my own child, it is hard to be as objective. (Lots of countertransference for all of you other clinical folks who will understand what that means).
Just a refresher for those of you may not know, I work as a counselor/social worker to support vulnerable infants and toddlers and their foster parents. The kids I work with have been taken away, involuntarily, from their biological family due to some kind of problem within the family that is putting the child at risk.
So here are a few of my latest internal rants and raves, from a personal level, not wearing my social worker hat right now:
* I am viewing child abuse and neglect in a whole new light. Don't people know how LUCKY they are to HAVE their kids..... you can't treat them like crap when God has blessed you with the opportunity to be their parent. I have less empathy for the unfortunate cycle of abuse that many people face.... and now probably too much empathy for children in need. In my job, in order to make it, you have to be able to balance out all these feelings. Not doing so well at that these days.
*Also, if someone takes your kid away from you- and getting them back is an option.. why wouldn't you fight like the dickens to get them back!I would have done ANYTHING to be able to keep my baby!
*I am finding life UNFAIR. For example, how is it that a baby can be born several weeks early to a Mother who has had no prenatal care,be born addicted to methamphetamine,and end up being totally fine! Our baby had state of the art care at one of the best hospitals in the country.... and I am not a crack addict.... and he was NOT fine.
*It is not fun to be carrying a newborn infants around for part of my job. It is especially worse when someone says, "Congratulations." All well intentioned, but unfortunately no congratulations for me.
So, I think it is safe to say I am maybe moving on to the angry phase of grief. That is my latest update. TGIF