Monday, September 10, 2012

30 & Pregnant

Baby Peterson #2 @ 12 Weeks

Well, there was a time when I thought that title would make total sense. I always thought 30 was a good year to start the baby train. Instead my baby train ended up starting when I was 28 (almost 29). So it is a bit strange to be here a year later... and be pregnant again. When I was pregnant with Drake, I was looking forward to my 30th Birthday Milestone. Birthdays have always been a big deal in my family, especially milestone birthdays. I had BIG expectations. Drake would be old enough that maybe we could take a trip back to Chicago and leave him with his Grandparents. They of course, would love this, and then we could enjoy a wild weekend in the big city with our good friends. (Ok, we are not so wild anymore, but it is the thought that counts!). BIG Fun with lots of friends is sort of what I had pictured for 30, either that or an all inclusive trip to Costa Rica! ;) So when it came time to actually plan for my 30th, my gut feelings were sadness. Things are just not what I thought they would be. I wish they were different. This year, I just haven't been able to justify making a big deal out of my Birthday. It just hasn't felt right. Maybe that rip roaring party will come at 31!

AT the same time... I am SO grateful I am pregnant again. It made turning 30 much more bearable, to be pregnant, than to not be. I'm 15 weeks and 4 days. We are very lucky that it did not take long for me to get pregnant once we were given the green light to try again. In fact, I think even our doctor was a little surprised how quickly it happened. Despite the close timing,about 5-6 months after my last pregnancy, I have been assured this alone will not pose any major risks. Since I had a C-Section, I will just have to be careful and be watched closely, we don't want anything bursting before it is supposed to. Actually, no bursting at all, No thank you. If all goes as planned, this baby will have a scheduled C-Section mid to late February.

Unfortunately, this pregnancy comes with risk we can't deny. It is very minimal, not one doctor expects us to lose another baby. I have also been told that my pre- eclampsia was likely related to Drake's condition, so that is not expected to come back again.... but you never know! I'm not going to lie, I'm very scared. Very anxious. Trying to just give that anxiety to God and take it day by day as I know it doesn't do any good to worry.

So as you can see, finding out I was pregnant again has become quite a balancing act. Literally within the day, I fluctuate between moments of grief and moments of joy. I am still so heart broken over the loss of Drake, as I always will be. The first time I saw this current baby via ultrasound, my reaction was very guarded. I was surprised I didn't feel the same overwhelming joy I felt the first time I saw Drake on an ultrasound. I know I am already in love with this little one, but I can't help but guard my heart as I am so afraid to lose another child. Also, announcing I am pregnant has been hard- I don't want Drake to ever be forgotten. It is much easier for people to focus on the positive news and talk about that, then to remember the loss. On the positive side, this pregnancy has made the burden of the grief a little easier to bear. I am not drowning in grief, living in a state of remembering my life HAS not changed the way I had hoped it would. Instead,we are back on the road to being parents and having a little nugget to love in our arms. There is a new life to focus positive thoughts on and this gives me joy.

ALSO-- our little get away to Palm Springs with some good friends gave me joy and a chance to celebrate the big 3-0! Other happy markers of the 30th Bday: mani/pedi time, special gifts (including a sewing machine!), prenatal massage, Chicago style Pizza and a beautiful lunch by the beach with friends.


Eric Olsen said...

Happy birthday, Stacy!

I love that you have so many friends who are able to focus on and talk about the positive.

Just so you know there's some balance to the scales, when I first heard the news, my instant and gut reaction was absolute terror.

Still terrified today.

Glad you are surrounded by so many friends able to embrace your new gift without forgetting your loss.

We pray for the Peterson family every night.

the Ecclestons said...

Love you sweet friend!!!!