Friday, January 31, 2014

Honest Reflections on Drake's 2nd Birthday

Today would have been our first son, Drake's, 2nd Birthday. I have reserved the day for remembering him and attempting to process and grieve. Honestly, it is so much harder than I thought it would be. This year, I feel so torn. I want to honor and remember Drake and cherish him as our first born. It is hard to do that when I am literally distracted by Jaxon. Whether it is making sure he doesn't pull the dogs ears or feeling overwhelmed with joy at what a blessing he is, it feels like he is taking away from my journey with Drake. I guess I don't feel ready to let go of Drake, but part of me feels like I need to. All at the same time I intellectually know I will never let go of Drake, he will always be my first baby. I think I just hate that it still makes me so sad, such a harsh reality when it hits. The very positive part is that I don't feel sad every day anymore, most days I feel happy and grateful. So on the days when I do feel sad, it almost hits me harder. A reminder that there is still grief and still this huge hole in my life. That will always be there until I get to hold Drake again. Oh, the conflicting emotions of grief.