37 weeks, Bed rest, Anticipation, Grief, Getting Ready!

So I've been off work since January 23rd. I was supposed to work until the end of January/Early February...... but that didn't happen. My blood pressure started to go up, and my doctor pulled the trigger and told me I was done. I sort of had a feeling it could happen, she has been very cautious through this pregnancy and she was already urging me to go off work. Prior to the 21st, I had modified my schedule enough to be a little more low key, and doctor was content to keep me working since there were no physical indicators I had to stop. Oh well. It made for a frantic day wrapping up things sooner than anticipated, but my team at work was very supportive and we got through.

Since then, I have been on modified bed rest. Which means I need to sit still a lot more than I would like to, but I can go for occasional walks/outings as long as I am careful. It is not that bad, I am just really bad at doing nothing! My blood pressure continues to be high, but is not soaring. I have no other symptoms of pre-eclampsia (praise the Lord!), but my doctor continues to run labs just to be sure it doesn't creep up. Originally the C-Section was scheduled for February 20th, but when my blood pressure started going up, doc decided she didn't want to wait that long. Since the time I was taken off work, we were sort of put on alert, knowing that if ANY signs of pre-eclampsia showed up, or I went into labor, baby was coming out STAT. However, the agreed goal was to make it to 37 weeks as long as I was not in the danger zone, so baby could officially cook to be point of being "full term".

Today we are at 37 weeks! Yeah! Good job, baby! Since my blood pressure is not going down, little guy is still going to need to come out early. The plan as of now is for a C-Section on Tuesday the 12th. It is not officially scheduled, because hospital policy won't allow for scheduling before 38/39 weeks unless you are admitted. Our doctor has told us to come for a check up on Monday, and then her plan will be to admit me to the hospital that day, and deliver baby next day!

I have been feeling pretty uncomfortable and occasionally miserable. Aches, pains, nausea, fatigue, etc, etc, but apparently that is how one feels when they are 9 months pregnant :) There are no indicators of anything going on other than me being 9 months, and having high blood pressure. Baby seems great too, still passing all the routine tests and NSTs with flying colors. Moving a lot, and growing!

As we approach this guy's arrival, we are mostly filled with excitement. We are SOO ready to hold our baby in our arms, and bring him HOME!! However, we would be lying if we said we also weren't scared and anxious. As Jon put it, he is sure that he is going to have some PTSD. I fully trust I will feel overwhelmed with joy and peace for this baby.  There is more though, I'm also doing my best to trust that he is going to live and we are not going to go through any kind of similar trauma. However, until he is in my arms, there is a lingering fear of losing him too. I realize it is irrational, but I think anyone who has gone through an experience like ours feels the same thing and you just can't help it. Thankfully, I can turn off that switch of fear when I give it to God and remember he is in control.

I just don't know what other emotions will coincide with being in the hospital, surgery, and recovery as we remember going through this with Drake, almost exactly a year ago. You can pray for us. I have a hard enough time not going into full blown panic attack mode when any needles are brought near me, let alone the connotations with that will be there with emotional trauma we faced with Drake. As I said, I do trust, and I am SO EXCITED and ready to face my fears head on..... just doesn't mean I am not scared too!

On a totally separate note, the anniversary of what would have been Drake's 1st birthday, and the anniversary of his death have passed. This does deserve an entirely separate post, however, at the current time I just don't have the emotional energy to go there. Let's just say this, we made it through the days. We did a lot of reflecting, crying, and journaling. We made it, we were ok. We were not sitting home sobbing all day, as we have learned how to incorporate the loss of our first son into our day to day life. Every day is hard. However, we are glad those 1st anniversary's have passed. They were tough.

We continue to be blown away by God's timing. It was possible the boy's could have ended up sharing a birthday. Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life........and that here we are, having gone through all this in a year, and now we are waiting for a new baby ANY DAY!